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for had_to_fall

This past year as been…strange. I know the lives we lead are strange enough, but what happened still confuses me at times. The year started with Wesley saving me from the bottom of the ocean. Connor, my own son, had put me there. I can’t fault the boy - if I’d been more ingenious when I was Liam, I would’ve done the same thing to my father. I wonder if Connor will ever have a son, who’ll end up hating him?

I won’t ever know. Connor’s gone now, living the life he deserved to live. A life I could never give him. He’s happy now, I’m sure of it.

Being under the ocean gave me time to think about my…undead life. About all the things I’ve done, and hadn’t done. I worked through the issues I had with Wesley. The man I’d had feelings for since the beginning but I was too scared, and unsure to do anything about them. How do you ask your best friend, who’s a guy, out? I wanted him but I had to forgive him first, and understand why he’d taken Connor from me.

When he got me out, I wanted him to stay, but he left. I knew he was with Lilah, and I wanted him to just stop and see what he was missing. It would take us getting our asses kicked by the Beast, and me seeing Connor with Cordy, for me to get past my uncertainty. I don’t remember how it happened though. One moment we were talking in my room, and the next I was kissing him.

We didn’t have a lot of time to think about it though. The Beast had to be killed, and we thought the only way to do it was to take my soul away. I was afraid Angelus would go after Wes because he knew how I felt about him. And he did. He almost choked him to death while Faith stood by and watched.

The Beast was killed, Jasmine came, and was killed, and then Lilah offered us Wolfram and Hart. At first I wasn’t going to take it until I saw Connor in that mall, with the bombs strapped to him. I made a deal - we would take over the firm if Connor was given the life he deserved. He doesn’t remember us, but all of us remember him.

Taking over the firm hasn’t been easy. It became even harder when Spike popped out of an amulet as a ghost. Thankfully Willow decided to come work here too, and Wes, Fred and her worked on helping Spike become corporal again. But, now he won’t leave and he continues to annoy me, and make snide remarks about my relationship with Wes.

It’s none of his business what Wes and I do. Wish he’d go away.

Letting out an unneeded sigh, I look down at the report Fred and Willow gave me earlier. They’ve become close since Willow has arrived. I heard from someone that they’re dating, but I don’t think they are. Fred likes guys and I’ve only seen her date guys.

After I sign the paper, I look over at the clock and notice how late it is. My eyes tick up toward the ceiling, where my penthouse is. I don’t hear Wesley up there, which means he’s still in his office and will be there until I drag him out…again. I stand from my desk and lock up my office before walking toward Wesley’s.

He’s sitting behind his desk when I push the door open. Crossing my arms, I look at him for a moment before saying, “When’s the last time you looked at the clock, Wes? And you haven’t ate yet tonight, have you?”

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